Once upon a midnight dreary, lying stuffed with Christmas cheery,

Of the many a sweet and salty festive treat I did explore –

While dreaming dreams of gift unwrapping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some beast gently rapping, rapping at my daughter’s door.

“Tis the cat,” I muttered, “tapping at my daughter’s door – 

Only this and nothing more.”

Ah, discreetly I’ll dismember on this twenty-sixth of December;

That wretched beast and feed him to the geese out the front door.

Wearily I cursed the morrow; – much needed sleep I longed to borrow

But all I get is anger and sorrow – sorrow from that feline carnivore –

From the ever aggravating Nigel such a disruptive feline carnivore

Nameless here for evermore

And the streetlight I saw certain peeking through the heavy curtain

Pained me – strained me with bitter unrest often felt before

So that now, to sooth the fluster in my brain, I stood cursing

“Tis the cat entreating exit from my daughter’s door – 

Some furry fool entreating exit from my daughter’s door; –

This it is and nothing more.”

Presently my rage grew stronger, I couldn’t stand it any longer

“Cat,” said I, “I’m taking of your 9 lives 1 through 4;

You know the trouble I have napping, and so gently you came rapping,

And like always started tapping, tapping at my daughter’s door”

But to my dismay I stumbled on him – sleeping on my bedroom floor –

Just the cat and nothing more.

Deep into the hallway peering, long I stood there rodent fearing,

Remembering that other beast my little girl brought home, to me injure

Smuggled in our home unspoken, a tiny fiend not near housebroken,

And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Ginger?”

This I whispered, and an echo chirping back the word, Ginger!” –

Merely this and nothing mer.

Back into my bed all churning – angry, agitated, tossing, turning,

Soon again I hear a tapping somewhat louder than before.

“Surely,” said I, “surely that came from Ella’s room though she’s away

Let me see, what therein is, and this mystery explore –

Let my head be clear a moment and this mystery explore; –

‘Tis her beast and nothing more!’

Open here I flung her door, then, with many a curse I swore,

As a plastic chambered hamster rolled across the floor;

Not the least notice she paid me, not a minute stopped or stayed she;

But in Habitrail sphere she scurried across the threshold door –

Weaving between discarded laundry right across the threshold door –

Rolled, and parked, and nothing more.

Then this wretched rat sat smiling in cedar shavings she’d been stockpiling

A smug and mocking countenance on fuzzy face she wore,

“Though my rest be robbed and shaken, if thou think thou won thou are mistaken,

I’ll return to bed and your damnable chattering I will manage to ignore –

Tell me Ginger will you grant me peace that I may sleep some more”

Quoth the Hamster “Nevermore.”

Much I marveled this unseemly beast to hear reveal so plainly,

Her intention to make my life a living hell forevermore

Up till now I managed by sight unseeing to ignore this tiny being

Now at 2:00 am she is rolling, rolling noisily around my foyer floor

“Is it your intention to torture me or shall you let me rest, I do deplore?”

And thus came her reply “Nevermore.”

Now the Hamster, sitting snugly like some bubble girl, spoke only

That one word, this wicked, gnawing beastie could implore

Nothing further more was spoken, till hypnotic spell was broken

And I reminded her that many other pets have disappeared before

On the morrow you’ll go missing, after slumber I will settle up this score

Then the rat said “Nevermore.”

Startled at the stillness broken by this creature so sassily spoken,

“No doubt,” said I, “the eggnog was spiked with some vigor

For surely now I must be dreaming, could this critter really be scheming

To deprive me of my respite and my well earned right to snore – 

By bumping into baseboards while howling with tumultuous uproar

Of ‘Never – nevermore’.”

But while the Hamster sat beguiling, and with my spirit ever riling

I dribbled that plastic soccer ball like Pele cross the floor

At last now near the top of stair, I gave a kick with Beckham flair

And downward she did tumble like Jack and Jill from days of yore – 

Like Humpty Dumpty she did tumble like that shattered egg of yore

And still I heard her wailing “Nevermore.”

Now back in bed all snug and quilty, feeling not a pang of guilty 

I imagined my foe forever silenced and broken to her core

This and more I sat divining, with my head on pillow reclining

As my thoughts retreated willingly to slumbers distant shore

I was swept away on gentle waves to slumber’s distant shore

All interruptions now nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew ranker, perfumed from an unseen stanker

Rolling upward in all defiance of the natural law of gravity

“Wretch,” I cried, “The Devil has lent thee – by his minions he hath sent thee

Release me from thy clutches filthy Ginger whom I abhor

Vex my heart and soul no longer – filthy Ginger whom I abhor!”

Quoth the Hamster “Nevermore.”

“Rodent!” said I, “thing of evil! – Guinea, gerbil, hamster or devil!

Whether Ella sent, or whether Ella tossed thee aside,

Desolate beast undaunted, in her wasteland room unkempt – 

In this home of hairy horror – tell me truly, I implore –

Is there life within you still? Are you not dead and defeated, tell me, I implore!”

Quoth the Hamster “Nevermore.”

“Rodent!” said I, “thing of evil! – Guinea, gerbil, hamster or devil!”

By the bowels of PetsSmart that sent thee – by that master we both adore –

Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, you’re eligible for trade-in

A hermit crab I’ll gladly shelter stead of rattling rat named foul Gin-gor –

A turtle or a snake can live inside my home stead of that rat named foul Gin-gor.”

Quoth the Hamster “Nevermore.”

“With that word my brain invading, beast or fiend!” I shrieked, upbraiding –

“Get thee back into the dump of Ella’s room and speak no more!

Take your hamster wheel and bottle before your scrawny neck I throttle!

And retreat into the gloom behind her messy bedroom door!

Take thy sharp teeth from my heart and retreat behind her messy bedroom door!

Quoth the Hamster “Nevermore.”

And the Hamster, never flitting, still is sitting, still is shitting

In his plastic ball outside my bedroom door;

And his eyes have all the seeming of a rodent that is scheming,

And the cedar shavings and paper scraps lie scattered on the floor;

And my sleep and sanity lie with it scattered on the floor

Never to return – no nevermore!